It’s hard to pinpoint exactly when I became a musicological discard. You can’t pinpoint a negative: a phone that doesn’t ring, e-mail that isn’t sent.
But there’s no question that at some point over the past three or four years, I ceased to exist for nearly all of my former friends and colleagues in musicology, a field to which I devoted 20 years of my life. Even those to whom I was closest in the field—advisors, mentors (in so far as I had them), people with whom I had worked closely, people who at one time or another claimed to be friends and supporters—stopped writing or calling. In a few cases, I was abruptly and spectacularly dropped by those to whom I was no longer useful, or who feared I might be a potential liability. By and large, though, I seem simply to have faded off the radar. With a couple of exceptions, none of my former musicological friends even tried to find out what had become of me.
There was a time when my career in musicology seemed to be going well. I had made major discoveries, among them the orchestral parts from the first Viennese performances of
Le nozze di Figaro and
Don Giovanni, and a bevy of new primary documents on Mozart and Haydn. I had done innovative, even ground-breaking work in a number of areas: Mozart’s Viennese copyists (a topic on which there was essentially no prior literature); the analysis of 18th-century musical manuscripts and prints; the social, institutional, and economic structures of the reproduction and distribution of music in the 18th century; Viennese concert life; musical authorship and attribution; and Viennese operatic and orchestral performance practices, among many other things. Even before my dissertation was finished, I had around a dozen prominent publications (including some peer-reviewed). I had given around thirty different papers at international conferences, including six at national meetings of the American Musicological Society. Friends told me that they had heard me described as “the greatest Mozart scholar” of my generation and a “major talent.” (I am merely reporting what was said to me; I don’t necessarily believe it. In any case, the competition for “greatest Mozart scholar” in my generation was remarkably thin.) I was a popular and successful teacher, and several students told me that I inspired them to pursue advanced work in music and music history.
Yet all of this promise came to nothing. I have been unemployed since 2005, and I have had full-time employment during only eight of the past 23 years. Since 2005 I have exhausted my savings, and I am now having chronic trouble paying my bills. Soon I will have to cash in my pension (which is very small, in any case) and sell whatever I can simply in order to live. And that will only see me through a few more months.
My life is one of insidiously creeping poverty. When things break, I cannot afford to fix them or replace them, or I am forced, when something absolutely has to be fixed (car, computer) to beg for money from friends and relatives. I cannot afford to buy clothes, and I wear things until they disintegrate. I cannot afford adequate medical care. I haven’t been to a concert that charged admission for three years, and I haven’t bought a book in two (and I used to buy between one and two hundred books a year). Needless to say, I go out to eat or to the movies only when someone else pays, and that happens rarely. I haven’t been outside of the greater Boston area in two years, because I cannot afford to take trips, even short ones.
Most excruciatingly, I live in a house packed full of my research, much of it unpublished, with the ever-growing awareness, as each day passes, that it is increasingly unlikely that I will ever be able to do anything with it.[*]
Nor has it been possible for me to “turn off” the scholarly mind that I (and various institutions) put so many years and so much effort into creating: I continue to have new—even potentially important—insights and ideas, typically several times a week. I scribble them in pocket spiral notebooks, knowing full well that I’ll probably never be able to develop them. This is also very painful.
How did this happen? How did an allegedly “great talent” become (nearly) indigent? And whether or not I have any special talent, I certainly have a wealth of experience, knowledge, and accumulated research. Why has this been discarded? Why am I going to waste?
There are those who believe that it is entirely my own damn fault. And there’s no question that this is at least partly right. I made poor educational choices, and I seriously misjudged priorities and timing at an early stage in my career.
In part, I made these misjudgments and poor choices because of the pervasive social and intellectual isolation that I experienced in my 20s and 30s, an isolation that stemmed in large part from my struggles with Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD), a condition I had not heard of and did not realize I suffered from until 1995, and for which I did not begin to receive consistent and adequate treatment until 2005. BDD is, among other things, profoundly isolating, and it had caused me to lead a double life ever since I was a teenager: a superficial and rather fragile “public” face, protecting an anguished and fragmented interior that was constantly under assault by obsessive concerns over aspects of my body and appearance. This divided inner life led me to develop a kind of shell, one that repelled (although I did not realize this at the time) the very kinds of personal relationships that I craved. And this social isolation made me, among other things, quite naive and ill-prepared to deal with the liars, game-players, manipulators, and ego-maniacs that one encounters in academia.[**]
Yet in spite of all of this, I had, at least initially, great success as a musicologist, both as a researcher and writer, and as a teacher and a presenter of papers.
Some will be inclined to jump to the (comfortable and in some cases self-serving) conclusion that my professional problems stem entirely from my psychological ones.
But psychological problems and personality disorders are hardly uncommon in academia, and certainly not in musicology. I personally have known people in the world of musical scholarship who suffer from full-blown obsessive-compulsive disorder, severe anger-management issues, clinical depression, or bipolar disorders, several others who suffer from autism-spectrum disorders, and yet others who are clinically psychopathic. This is not to mention the large number of musicologists who lack basic social skills, or suffer from social anxiety disorder or hyper-inflated egos.
So having “psychological issues” clearly does not preclude a successful academic career as a musicologist. BDD is only part of my professional story, and it did not, by itself, put me in the position in which I find myself today.
In fact, I was able to function extremely well and effectively most of the time as a scholar and teacher—but that functionality was fragile. When under the kinds of extreme stress that have become all too common in modern academia, I was prone ocassionally to crack emotionally, at least briefly, and this made me extremely vulnerable.
BDD is odd among psychological conditions in that it distorts perception, but only highly selectively. Thus I have the experience of having lived continually with an (intermittently) acutely distorted image of my physical self, all the while maintaining the ability to see and experience what was going on around me (and to some extent, what was happening to me) with almost preternatural clarity.
And it is for that reason that I am in an ideal position to bear witness to the state of musicology as I experienced it, both as an observer and a participant.
It is not a pretty picture.
The comfortably tenured, and many who still believe they are successfully playing the game, will dismiss what I write here as self-serving whining. And this will be to miss the point entirely. I don’t feel sorry for myself at all and I have no interest in eliciting sympathy. In fact, during the central years of my professional life as a musicologist—from the time I accepted a position at Cardiff in 1993 until 2005, when David Packard fired me from the Packard Humanities Institute—I could not have been more miserable. Indeed, the utterly bizarre circumstances in which I found myself at Cardiff nearly led me to suicide (the spectacular coastal cliffs in Wales began to look very inviting). I may be broke now, and life may be difficult from a practical standpoint. But nothing now comes even to close to the deep misery of those earlier years.
It is not, I hasten to add, the work of musicology that made me miserable. I have always loved my research and loved my teaching. Indeed, had I not loved these so intensely, I probably would not have stuck with musicology far past the point when it would still have been realistically possible to retool for another career. It was the institutions of musicology and the profound distortions of human interactions within them that made me so profoundly miserable.
And that is the story I intend to tell in a series of posts here, under the general title “Confessions of a Recovering Musicologist.” (I will write about BDD and my life with it in a separate series of posts, referring to this aspect of my life in the present series only when it is directly relevant.)
I tend to tell the truth as I see it and have lived it, and I will not go out of my way to disguise the identities of those involved. There would be little point in doing so, in any case: musicology is a very small field (that is one of its problems), and the identities of those I’m talking about would be obvious anyway. I considered at one point writing a satire
à clef, a sort of updated
Lucky Jim (and the opportunities for satire in musicology are very rich). But for reasons I hope will become clear, I decided that it was necessary to bear witness to the truth of my experience while I am still in a position to do so.
As I envision this series, it will consist of installments of two general (and not mutually exclusive) types: those that are predominantly “memoir like” (dealing with my personal experience in pursuing a career in musicology) and those that deal with musicology in a broader way, in its institutional, professional, and intellectual contexts.
As a kind of teaser, here are tentative titles for some of the installments I am considering:
Memoirs
The “Right School” vs. B Schools
The British System
Adjunctiana
Seek and Ye Shall Seek....and Seek....and Seek
The Private Sector
Pariah
Poverty
Judge Not
Musicology
Small Isn’t Beautiful
Cowboy Musicology
Peer Review
Money Makes the World Go Round
Turf
Mozart and the Germans
Expertise and Credentialism
Theft
A Critique of Pure Theory
For sentimental reasons, I am posting the introduction to this series during the national meeting of AMS, which I have not been able to afford to attend since 2005. I hope to complete at least one or two additional installments during the period of the AMS meeting, so that I can nourish the fond illusion that at least one or two people may be surreptitiously reading my posts on their iPhones while sitting through yet another dreadful paper.
I have no interest whatsoever in providing a forum for anonymous trash talk, so I have turned off comments for this post and will continue to do so in its sequels. It has been my continual experience that those who are still “in the game” are either pathologically unreflective about the state of the field, or too terrified to bear public witness to the truths they may whisper over a drink in private. And I know only too well from decades of experience that the powerless—the junior faculty, the adjuncts, the graduate students, the poverty stricken—are always in the wrong. I have been in the wrong for the past 20 years, so I ought to know . . . and I don’t need to be told again.
However, I will be delighted to hear privately from you, and I will (with permission) pass on or summarize relevant and insightful comments (even critical ones), and I will be happy to provide a forum for your stories (anonymously, if you wish). Please feel free to write me at dexedge(at)gmail(dot)com.
I am only too acutely aware that the kind of confessions I’ve made here would normally be considered professional suicide. (“He’s admitted to a psychological illness! He’s admitted to being fired! He’s admitted to being unemployed! He’s admitted to being
poor!”) Marketing oneself musicologically these days is all about image and reputation, which must be constructed and guarded at all costs.
And isn’t that part of what’s wrong? There’s nothing all that unusual about my case: many others trying to make a career in musicology are much worse off than I am, but desperately try to put the best possible spin on their lives in order to appear employable.
At any rate, I no longer have any reason not to tell the truth, and what I write here is my life as it is and has been, from my point of view.
And if you hire me now (for I’d still, in spite of everything, be happy to give of myself through scholarship and teaching), what you’ll really get is this: a deep commitment and loyalty to your institution (admittedly this is highly unfashionable); an outstanding teacher, with a devotion to developing the individual talents and abilities of students; an original and innovative scholar and thinker, with a boatload of potential publications; someone with innovative ideas for the future of higher education in music and the place of musicology and music theory in the curriculum; a colleague who relishes collaboration and assisting and promoting the work of colleagues (admittedly also unfashionable); and someone (although some may doubt this) who has developed considerable diplomatic and political skill in dealing with groups of fragile egos.
It is a pity that this all has gone and is continuing to go to waste.
Note
[*] For an overview (not comprehensive) of my unpublished research, see the section "Magnificent Torsos" on my "
Writings" page.
[**] For more on BDD, see my "
Reflections on Return," delivered at the Yom Kippur service at Theodore Parker Unitarian Universalist Church in West Roxbury on 19 September 2010.